*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
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Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!