[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
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No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old