Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
You Might Also Like
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”