Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
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I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Duck typos.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?