Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
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I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
For anyone who needs this today
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.