The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
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Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
you have three unread messages
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not