Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
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All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.