I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
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My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I am, perchance
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”