My work here is don’t.
You Might Also Like
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
🦝🔥🦝🔥
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf