Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
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Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
That eye roll….
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…