Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
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Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.