The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
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I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?