🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
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My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing