Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
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A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
just make the entire table out of coaster
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket