I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
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Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.