just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
“I took care of your clown problem.”
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
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Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?