I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
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if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows