I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
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My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.