the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
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How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Monica just destroyed the internet
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Ok, but like, how married are you?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape