That’s incredible! 👌
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“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
broke down and did it
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.