but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
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Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.