I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
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I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
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