Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
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My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.