To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
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casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby