Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
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School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Jogging has never helped my memory.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
the greatest twitter interaction