I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
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Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?