Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
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Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
my first day as a raccoon
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
The best plant holders?
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.