it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
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my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
March 16
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.