There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
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Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email