Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
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12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …