*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
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I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no