If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
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Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.