About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Put this video in the Louvre
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
not for long
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
An odd boast
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Check your privilege
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper