My good tweets are in my other pants.
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In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Hero horse inspires millions
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
He’s dead
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Same pineapple, same
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?