the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
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I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.