If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
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I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
The “baby” on the left….
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”