If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
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Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.