Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
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I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
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Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
is nasa ok
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
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A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
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Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
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For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.