It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
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OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Nothing to do, you say?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Smells like a challenge to me
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
i wish we could shoplift online
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh