A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
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If you want my opinion ask my wife
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
i dont have time for this
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.