Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
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“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.