Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Here鈥檚 this year鈥檚 kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn鈥檛 the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn鈥檛 have the guts!
Happy Halloween 馃巸
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Doctor: It doesn鈥檛 look good
Me: What? You haven鈥檛 even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you鈥檝e clearly lost your sense of taste
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can鈥檛 wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 馃檨
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn鈥檛 know about covid-19 and they鈥檙e gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I don鈥檛 trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don鈥檛 lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
That time Alicia messaged me