imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
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If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I’d … I’d rather not.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?