My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
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A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee