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the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I have never related to a cat more
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Me irl
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave