What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
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Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.