*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
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Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.