You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
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Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
anyone else like Italian cereal
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us