Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
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HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
hi why am I like this
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Facebook memories be like
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.