good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
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history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes